1000 And 1 Monkey jokes

[Dr. Zaius]

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.

"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...

"Having sex!. They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.

[Lolagrrl of the Jungle]

Q. What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?

A. Very lost!

Ba-dum-CHING! Thank you!!! I'll be here all week! :D

[Miquela D]

Oh man!! :) I bet the Monkies drive better than people in Atlanta (and I'm founding out people in PA)

[Dr. Zaius]

A pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde monkey clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde monkey clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of liquid laxative."

The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde monkey clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

[Dr. Zaius]

A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of monkeys standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver, informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all those monkeys. The driver says that he doesn't know what to do with them anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his monkeys.

The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck barreling down the road. This time, though, all the monkeys in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those monkeys to the zoo!" "I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"

[Lolagrrl of the Jungle]

BWAHAHAHAHA!
That totally cracked me up!!!!!!!!!
:D

[Dr. Zaius]

This one always gets me.

[Dr. Zaius]

A monkey walks into the bar and says to the bartender "I'll bet you $200 I can piss into that glass without spilling a drop", pointing to a glass on the top shelf. The bartender contemplates this and says "You're on". So the monkey proceeds to piss all over the bar, and when he's finished the only dry spot left is the top shelf. The bartender is beside himself with laughter, but stops laughing when he sees the monkey smiling. "What are you smiling for?" he asks the monkey, "You've just lost $200". "Yeah", says the monkey, "but I bet the monkeys outside $1000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be laughing."

[Schneidly Whiplash]

A man brings several monkeys to an audition for a talent agent. When it's his turn, he asks for two volunteers to work with the monkeys, so the agent's assistant and secretary step forward and stand by the monkeys. The owner starts playing the piano and the monkeys go crazy. They rip off the secretary's clothes and rape her in every orifice. They stick their arms half way up her ass and pull out her shit and smear it on the agent's office walls. They hold down the assistant and the group jerks off into his mouth and hold his nose shut so he has to swallow a quart of monkey spunk. The monkeys break water glasses and start slicing up the helpless humans and piss into their cuts. Then the monkeys start vomiting into the mouths of the humans and moving the secretary's and assistant's jaws so they swallow the hot monkey barf.

The agent jumps up and tries to pull the monkeys off while screaming at the monkey's owner, "what the hell do you call this act?"

"What else'" replies the owner. "The Aristocrats!"

[Lolagrrl of the Jungle]

You just ~had~ to go there didn't you... (((sigh)))

[Schneidly Whiplash]

What ya gonna do? Ban me like LinkedIn? Bwahahahahaha! Besides, I have worse ones. Hmm? Wait, I don't. This was about as bad as it gets. At least you've seen one of my boundaries.